“If you let yourself be blown to and fro, you lose touch with your root.” – Loa Tzu, Tao Te Ching

“…he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” James 1:8, ESV

“so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.” Ephesians 4:14, ESV

I have no root, no discipline, no stability right now. My responsibilities have tripled in the past year, and rather than be resilient and face things head on, I’m let apathy and laziness dull my senses. I make my lists of things I want to accomplish intellectually and spiritually, then sit down to a five hour binge of Youtube videos. I spend weekends in bed scrolling through social media, time that has slipped through my fingers, self-medicating whether than facing my new reality. I don’t like this reality, how it yanks me back and forth, how I chameleon to those around me. How I don’t really understand where I’m at and where I’m going, but I’m afraid to disappoint any of those around me, how I cave to their expectations whether than following my own path. I’m seasick from changing my mind as to where I stand to the point I don’t want to stand anywhere at all. I’m a middle-aged adult whining over the same things I did in high school. All I can see is my lack.

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