Thoughts

The past few weeks I have dove into considering what it means to deconstruct my faith. I’ve written snippets of blog posts, expanded out my reading, and have been listening to audiobooks. I felt like I was starting to see the path ahead when my depression decided to flair up again. I’ve spent the past two days unable to write, not even able to journal- a daily habit that usually brings me clarity and contentment. I’ve slacked off on my reading, and sitting in contemplation has been a bigger struggle than usual. I’m fighting my three biggest stress reactions: shopping, emotional eating, and the urge to lay in bed and stare at the wall all day. I’m still doing my hobbies, but it’s forced. And what to do spiritually? I have a goal to finish reading a book on deconstruction in the next few weeks, but the thought of opening up my Kindle app and engage in what I’m reading feels overwhelming. So how do I interact with all of this while battling depression at the same time? My brain has wired itself to bring up false guilt: that I’m not good enough if I feel too blah to have a deep thought of any kind. For years I’ve seen things of faith as duty, and so giving myself permission to be free of my goals and intentions, even for a day, feels wrong. I need to give myself more space to just be, even if that being involves a chemical imbalance at the moment. I need to remind myself that deconstructing is a process and I don’t have to already have my conclusion.