Reconstruction

I don’t know what I want to believe any more. Part of me wants to continue to be a Christian. I can see beauty in the theology and in Scriptures. However, the moment I look around me and see all the brokenness, I just don’t know if I can believe in a God. I know Christianity has answers for this (this brokenness and suffering is our fault and our own doing, among other things), but those apologetics no longer bring comfort or peace to me. I’m struggling to determine if it’s Christianity itself that’s holding me back or my resistance to Christianity that’s holding me back. But holding me back from what? Peace of mind? Growth? Fulfillment? What do any of those things really look like?